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I recall being punched and kicked, being literally pushed over. And then I found that I was not a nothing. Other boys taught me, mostly by hurling them at me, the words gayfaggotand pussy. In my case, those came in the form of bullying. This meant that I would just as easily find myself playing with G.

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This dissonance between how people saw me and treated me and how I saw myself and felt as a person provides a useful look into the impact of masculine expectations and norms on someone who was never a man to begin with.

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Over time I learned that the meaning of words like this were far more exacting than just a slur. One day, somehow, I found the strength to come out. I have one brother and one sister, both older, and I would latch onto whatever playtime activities they took up.

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And then I found that I was not a nothing.

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